Manny the Manny

Last week, I brought you a list of children’s TV shows that are actually quite enjoyable for adults as well.

This time around, I’m bringing you the other end of the spectrum — five TV shows that no human being should ever be subjected to watching at any point in their lifetime. Forget adults, I don’t even think kids should watch these televised disasters.

I shall do my best not to lapse in a profanity-laden tirade, because this is a family-friendly blog, but I make no promises.

1. Yo Gabba Gabba!
   Nice use of an exclamation point to prompt viewer excitement. Yo features five fantastical characters who are all either robots or made of bubbles or vegans or some other gimmicky nonsense. They all have stupid names and sing stupid songs, generally treating their child viewers like they are, in fact, stupid. (Note: don’t treat kids like they’re idiots. That just leads to them growing up to be idiots.) The only upside of this show is Biz Markie’s regular segment. This show ain’t “got what I need,” and it’s not even “just a friend.”
   
   
2. The Backyardigans
   Can someone please explain the appeal of this show to me? Sure, the animals are colorful and bright, so I understand that kids lock on to the visual stimulus…but then what? They sing a 4 minute “song” which is really just a repetition of something like “always put the clean dishes away,” then talk to each other, then sing another “song.” I give this show the slight edge over Yo Gabba Gabba! because I could see  kid actually learning some iota of a meaningful lesson from The Backyardigans.
    
3. 6teen
   This show isn’t actually broadcast anymore — it ended in 2010, praise be — but it’s still available on Netflix, and Salvador made me watch it a few times, so I feel you need to know how terrible it is. Imagine The Hills, except animated and without any pretense of being “real.” Then imagine it watered down and packaged for pre-teens. Bingo. Because if there’s any way to foster your 10-year-old’s potential self-esteem and body image issues even earlier, you gotta jump on that train, amIrite?
   
   
4. Annoying Orange
   The title says it all. It’s not just a clever ploy. It’s really a show about an annoying orange that talks. And holy crap, is he annoying. Stay far, far away.
   
   
5. Any shows in the Power Rangers franchise
   There aren’t any Power Rangers shows currently on the air (I don’t think), but they are all excruciatingly available on Netflix, and there’s a new season (Power Rangers Megaforce) planned for 2013. These shows follow a sheer volume revenue model, which means they have zero production value and just keep coming at you in waves. In a formulaic trend that has gone on for almost 20 years, the characters keep getting cheesier and stupider, the story lines more convoluted and the back stories more nonsensical. The “sensei” on Ninja Storm is a CGI hamster, for goodness’ sake.
   
   Fortunately, I’ve watched enough varieties with Yoshi to be able to tell that if you must watch one of these, the best of the bunch are Dino Thunder and the kitsch value of original Mighty Morphin series. Avoid Mystic Force and RPM at all costs.

Phew! I made it through that without cursing once. At least, not on the page. Aloud is another story entirely.

Have you had to watch any awful shows lately because your kid(s) enjoys them? What’s your favorite or least favorite show to watch with your little ones?

(Image credit: daveynin’s flickr. Used under Creative Commons license.)